Part 9: Valentine Who?
Today I went to physio at 10 am, I didn't sleep well the last 2 nights, I had such traumatic nightmares that I woke up in my sleep crying. I took a Targin Act 10/5 mg to relieve the pain and I ate something that morning. When my physio saw me she couldn't believe how good I was looking, as I hardly had any inflammation. She taught me some exercises for the lymph drainage to prevent lymphodema. As she started to work on me sitting upright, I told her I felt faint. she caught me as I fainted and lay me down on the bed. On the drive home, my oncologist called to tell me that after reviewing my scans with a panel again this morning, they found cancerous cells in a lymph node higher up. What was bizarre is that my Doctors never felt it or saw it. My MRI, Ultrasound, Mammogram and the dye test during surgery didn't pick it up. I have to remove it ASAP and I'm going in for another surgery on Thursday. My breast surgeon said in all of her years practising she has never experienced this and it could have developed in the last 2 weeks post-op. There was also another spot on my liver which she assured me was probably a hemangioma (a benign mass), that many people are born with it and that she also had one on her spine. I prayed it would be. A massive amount of fear crept in as my mind automatically went to the worst-case scenario. but I wouldn't let it in. I have a hemangioma and that's it.
I was very anxious after hearing this and felt exhausted, I came home and slept for most of the day.
My breast surgeon called me this evening and was amazing, she calmed me down and told me I mustn't stress about my liver. It was a blessing that we did the CT scan now and not before, otherwise, we might not have caught it. She told me there was a 30 percent chance of getting lymphoedema in my right arm since they would be removing a big lymph node, which I was petrified of! She assured me that if the worst came to worst and it happened to me, my plastic surgeon has had a huge success rate of correcting this condition. So I feel much better and I'm gonna lift myself up and think positive thoughts now.
It's funny how I focused on such a load of crap before BC. I was so obsessed with losing one kg on tour. I weighed myself daily and if I didn't see a number I liked on the scale I got terribly miserable that day. What a waste of energy! Honestly! As humans, we do this to ourselves, always striving for perfection. Being an artist and very into aesthetics I've had to surrender to the fact that my body has been cut and sewn up and my beautiful breasts are gone. it made me question how intimacy would be moving forward as I can't feel them, they are numb. It's unfortunate but my life is more important.
Valentine's day, I've never been a believer in it. I think it's a money-making consumerist bullshit holiday and that if you are in a partnership, your partner should make you feel loved every day by small acts of kindness.
This year I got the best Valentine's day present. It finally hit my brother, my best friend and he showed up for me.
He said he just doesn't know if he can go down this road again as he did with my Dad who died of kidney cancer. I think he didn't really process it and it is all a bit much to handle. My mother went home for a well-deserved break and my brother Alon came over with so much food and said
"Don't worry Dans I'm gonna take Care of you this weekend."
He just couldn't handle what was happening before and needed more time to process. Like if he avoided it, It wouldn't be real.
They say cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it, it affects the whole family.
Alon was amazing. He massaged my stiff sore back and shoulders from sleeping on my back for 2 and a half weeks. he made us a light dinner and was so kind to me. He helped me out of bed and helped build me a pillow fort until I found a comfortable position. I tried to sleep on my side, but it was really difficult. Still in pain, I took an Oxynorm, ( oxycodone 5mg) it didn't touch sides. So I decided I would try some THC oils. I was told by my "pharmacist" that I should up my dose to 4 drops of 3000 mg as my tolerance was very high. It's usually prescribed for a man of about 85 kg. I took one, felt relaxed and then when I woke up and an hour later, I took another one. Probably not the best idea, that dosage is prescribed for a 200 kg man, I weigh 55kg. I passed out very soon after.
Love & Health