Part 7: Over it
I'm freaking over it! I'm over not being able to sit up, to constantly being in pain. I'm on oxycodone and even that isn't taking it away, tried CBD, THC, touched my knee! Fuck all! I'm starting to wonder if I have the highest drug tolerance in the world. To make it worse I have a migraine and ya, you get where I'm at... I'm not happy! I am on a support group on Facebook and I've been asking for any tips to deal during this process. A lot of women suggested a pillow wedge and I wish I knew about this from the beginning. It props you up like a hospital bed and makes it easier to get in and out of bed. It's hard to lie down flat on your back with expanders as it is very tight and uncomfortable across your chest. In the morning I have the most pain and my chest muscles spasm. I discovered another drug while in China, It was prescribed to me after having dry needling for a muscle spasm in my back, it's called Gabapentin. It is an anticonvulsant but also used to treat pain specifically nerve pain. My gut instinct was right, as I knew I should be on it as the oxycodone didn't have much effect on me anymore. All the women on my Facebook support group who have had a BMX (bilateral (double) mastectomy) swear by it. So I am going to start taking it.
I'm going for a CT Scan today to check that nothing has metastasized. Thank Goodness my mother told the oncologist to schedule one as he thought it was done before my surgery. I don't know how they missed that, probably because this all happened over the Christmas holiday period. Anyway, I'm glad I'm going and my Dr told me he's almost certain there's nothing to worry about.
So another thing that has been happening since my surgery is, even though my brother was incredible and there for me on the day of the surgery, he has just checked out in the last 2 weeks. My mother and I lost it last Saturday and gave him a piece of our minds. He apologised and said he was sorry and that he doesn't know why he is doing this. I was deeply hurt and upset by his actions and felt abandoned by him when he assured me he would be there for me every step of the way. All I wanted from him was to show up! Be physically and emotionally present, offer to get us dinner one night, stay at me one night to help mom out since she was here all the time and maybe needed a break. Was that too much to ask?
After speaking to our amazing friend/counsellor Debbi, I realised,
not everyone is equipped to deal with a crisis the way you might or expect them to.
I know my brother was acting out by avoiding. If he just ignored what was happening and check out, maybe he could just slot back into "normal life" when this was all over. A lot of men don't know how to process these " feelings" so they would rather run away from them.
As women, we struggle to understand this as we are so inherently nurturing. We told my brother in no uncertain terms how we felt and he finally got the message. He is coming over to stay at me this weekend and give my mother a break, a well-deserved one.
I'm so thankful things have taken a turn for the better as it was starting to get to me badly. Right now I need to be positive, to raise my vibration so my body can heal, easier said than done when it becomes a family crisis. I've forgiven and he is showing up and that's all I wanted, so I've let it go.
Love & Health